COLUMBUS, Ohio — Snap Map. TikTok. Apple air tags. Zillow surfing. Life 360.
These are just some of the tools of technology being used – and sometimes abused – when it comes to digital dating abuse.
“From 2019 to 2020, there was a 101% increase in reports of digital dating abuse,” says Caitlin Tully, a training supervisor for the Center for Family Safety and Healing. “We know that throughout the course of the pandemic, we’ve definitely seen a rise in reports nationally.”
Digital dating abuse is when someone uses technology to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate a partner. But at its core, Tully says the abuse is about controlling a partner.
“A lot of what we’re seeing is things like pressure for passwords,” Tully explains. “It might be that somebody is trying to use location services to track or to stalk, they might send excessive or unwanted messages. Or they may use those messages to try to pressure someone to do something they don't feel comfortable doing that could be sexual or otherwise.”
Westerville North High School senior Lilly Hammer says she has seen digital dating abuse happen with some of her friends.
“I've noticed like excessive texting while we're out and if we move from one location to another, there's a test to see ask where we are,” Hammer says. “I feel uncomfortable, and I'm not even in the relationship. I can't imagine how they would feel."
As part of her Global Scholars senior project, Hammer is studying domestic violence and the growing trend behind digital dating abuse and how it’s being “normalized” in social media.
“People will post about, you know, actually following their partner, but will make a joke out of it,” she says.
According to That’s Not Cool, an award-winning national public education initiative that raises awareness about dating violence, one in four teens is harassed or abused through technology.
Hammer says her research found technology – especially anything with a GPS feature - can often get misused.
“It’s just stalking,” she says. “I believe it’s similar to if you were to get in your car and drive and follow somebody everywhere, you’re just not physically there.”
Tully says it’s difficult to keep up with the various ways teens are abusing technology to exude power and control over their partners.
“We've seen joking videos about things like Zillow surfing, which is where young people will go on the real estate website and look at across your partner's house," Tully explained to 10TV’s Angela An.
“And there are videos of people walking through the picture saying, ‘I wonder if this is my crush's bedroom. I wonder what it would be like to be in that person's house’,” she adds.
Tully says she often sees this type of behavior escalate into stalking for older teens. But that’s not to say digital dating abuse can’t start in kids as young as 9 or 10 years old.
“We are seeing things like the use of Instagram with fourth and fifth graders to see if they are friends or if a crush is active on the site, for example,” Tully explained. “They're starting to normalize the use of these features on social media apps as a way to stay connected.”
It’s that need to connect that Lilly Hammer is hoping her peers will understand can sometimes lead to unhealthy actions.
“If we educate people on the importance of what this can look like, they can come to their own conclusion and realize, ‘okay, what is happening to me, is it normal?’" Hammer says, who plans to present her project to her high school in the spring. “Or when they get into a relationship and people start bringing up topics such as these, I can say, ‘Well, I'm really not comfortable with that."
Experts say signs of digital dating abuse include drastic changes in a young person’s behavior.
“Maybe they've lost interest in activities that they were really passionate about. They've had a new group of friends or have stopped talking to their friends all together,” Tully explains.
“One of the signs I see most frequently with young people who experienced digital dating abuse is this fear around being disconnected from their phone,” she adds. “Many teenagers won't want to put the phone up for like a device-free dinner or put the phone up at night. But students who experienced digital dating abuse, they have big reactions to this. I see young people who cry, who panic, who have anxiety responses because they tell their parents you don't understand. And what a parent may not understand is the pressure that their child is experiencing from a partner to stay connected.”
Tully offers a training course for teens, parents, schools and other organizations when it comes to helping teenagers create healthy relationships. She says it’s important for parents to start a conversation with their kids with curiosity as opposed to judgment.
There are also other organizations in central Ohio such as ROX: Ruling Our Experiences, a 20-lesson curriculum to help girls gain confidence and learn the healthy steps to create their own relationships, experiences, decisions, and futures.
ROX is hosting an event on Feb. 27 that focuses on empowering teen girls to build safe, healthy and violence-free dating relationships. “I Matter 2022” is a free event. Register here.
Click below to see how some of these social media companies are trying to improve the safety features of their apps.